Just Notice
I was working recently with my coach, Chip, and he put a fine point on something I already knew I needed to work on — empathizing and delivering feedback with a tender heart. If there’s one thing I struggle with, it’s balancing empathy with the desire to land my point with someone I’m providing feedback to or coaching.
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I’ve been told for a long time that I’m very direct, and for 57 years I wore that like a badge of honor. The truth is, there’s a better way — and in fact, a more effective way — to influence someone positively without “burying them,” as Chip would say.
As a homework assignment, he suggested I read the book “Learning Humility: A Year of Searching for a Vanishing Virtue” by Richard Foster. In the book, Foster describes his quest to find humility, not necessarily because he needs more humility, but to find his humanity. He was searching to become more complete.
Foster doesn’t say it, but I sensed that he faced a grave diagnosis or was of an age where he certainly was within eyeshot of the finish line. In that vein, he sought deeper humility to accept his final fate with dignity. Let’s face it, can you think of anything more humbling than knowing you’re going to die? Foster was also seeking to bring himself closer to perfection in the image of God.
I liked a couple of things in the book immediately. I’ve always been prepared and enjoyed rehearsing or doing activities before actually doing them. I recall the time I was practicing managing my nervousness about leaving for college. Would I be able to handle the workload and the curriculum at the University of Michigan? (Phew, I did! Go, Blue!)
The opening chapter went straight for my jugular with a discussion of demonstrating humility through patience. A little white lie I’ve told myself for as long as I could hear my internal voice is that I’m a patient person. When I say that to anyone who knows me, they laugh hysterically. Thanks to Foster’s book, I’m now in on the joke, as Chip would say, because I now have a window into a new reality: I’m not always particularly patient, and this trait is negatively disruptive to the people around me.
Of course, I knew I did not possess the patience of Job. However, I truly thought I was better than most. I was wrong. This realization came to me driving to work a couple of months ago. I got irritated by someone driving in front of me. Then something interesting happened. I noticed my impatience and named it.
I noticed that there was no good reason for my impatience and anger. I was not late for anything. I was on time, and the “inconvenience” caused by my fellow road mate probably delayed me by fewer than 10 seconds. Why was I irritated? Because I’m impatient. And there it is.
When I told Chip the story, he was delighted! Why? Because I had noticed. We cannot begin to “fix” things we don’t notice. Foster told of similar instances of his patience being tested several times daily. He, like me, recognized the waste of energy and the failure to achieve humility resulting from his impatience.
I’m now on a journey to reliably and consistently demonstrate humility through patience. It’s okay for someone to go first on the road. It’s okay for someone to get off the elevator first, and it’s certainly okay to be one of the last exhibitors at the conference to receive their crate before they could begin packing up their exhibit.
To be better leaders, we all need to improve the negative actions and reactions that undermine the trust and influence we have with those we’re leading. The first step on my journey is to notice. Fixing comes later. The act of noticing involves opening my mind to all kinds of thoughts, emotions, and actions that run in the background (or foreground) while I’m on autopilot.
I invite you to a path of improvement through active consciousness. When something flares inside of you, see it. Examine it. Don’t judge it and don’t even try to fix it yet. It is at that moment we have an opportunity to inch closer to perfection and unleash our true potential. Just notice.
BRIAN WOLFF is the President & CEO of Parker Technology. He can be reached at brian.wolff@parkertechnology.com or visit www.parkertechnology.com.
