By Tammy Baker
We speak. We listen. Easy, right? If only.
Oh, how amazing life would be if this were the case. In reality, our interactions look more like a four-car pileup, complete with potholes, poor signage, U-turns, wildly misguided directions, and all the other problems we experience on the road. Distractions, assumptions, and emotions clutter the conversational roadway, making it hard to stay present and truly hear what’s unfolding in front of us.
Think about the conversations that are like a nice easy drive in perfect weather. What do they have in common? We are seeking to understand, we do not bring an initial opinion of motive or intent, and fingers are not being pointed in any direction. We approach the conversation with an open mind. We are not trying to place blame, just achieve an understanding of the facts. The goal of the smooth conversations tends to be clarity, not conflict.
When we approach our conversations with openness and collaboration, something powerful happens — communication starts to flow.
The new roadmap to better conversations starts with a few key principles:
• Put assumptions on the back burner.
• Listen through a filter of noble intent.
• Believe that the person we are interacting with has information that could help refine our perspective.
Assumptions: the four-car pileup of communication
Assumptions are the multi-vehicle accidents of communication. When we bring them into the conversation, damage happens fast, and often, silently. A sentence is completed, and then the air is filled with negative energy. Everything is stuck. The conversation leads nowhere. Everyone can see the resulting devastation but often has no idea how it got to that point.
Does this mean that we should not listen to our intuition or gut? Of course not! What we should do is use that information as a POTENTIAL indicator. We can ask clarifying questions from an open heart. Those questions either dissolve the assumption or uncover real data that deserves attention. Either way, the conversation moves forward, focused on issues, not perceptions.
Not ascribing noble intent: the poor signage of communication
Walking into a conversation already convinced about “why” the other person did what they did or said what they said is like driving with blinders on. When we fail to assume noble intent, we limit the possible explanations to the one we’ve already chosen.
It’s much like googling an answer instead of the question. If you google the question, you may find that there are 100 different answers, not just the one that you are focused on.
Disregarding information given: the misguided direction of communication
Giving credibility to the message or information you receive in a conversation can help shorten the path to your destination. The person or people you are working with may deserve more credit than you are giving them. I can promise you, they can feel it! Continuing to not give them credit will erode their willingness to share. Your data inputs dwindle, your ability to catch gaps in your thinking is severely reduced, and your blind spots grow.
Even if you question what another is saying, take it in, process the answer, plug it in for “X,” and see what the outcome looks like. Maybe it is not “the” answer, but it gets you closer than you were. Ideas plant seeds that grow.
Listening to reply: the distractions of communication
Listening to understand and listening to reply are not the same thing, not even close. When we listen to reply, our attention is split. Instead of fully receiving what’s being said, we’re rehearsing responses in our head, scanning for trigger phrases, or waiting for the moment we can jump in and make our point. We’re not present; we’re preparing.
That mental “sub-processing” becomes a distraction. While we’re busy anticipating what we think the other person is going to say, we miss what they’re actually saying. Important details get lost, tone is overlooked, and meaning is filtered through our expectations instead of their words.
The fix is surprisingly simple: Change your listening stance. Listen with the intention of being able to repeat back what you heard. This does not mean you agree. It does not mean they were right and you were wrong. It means you listened, retained the information, processed it, and can articulate your understanding of what was shared.
That small shift can have a big impact. When people feel genuinely heard, defensiveness drops. Walls come down. Conversations soften. Ironically, this approach often makes the other person more open to hearing your perspective once it’s your turn to speak. Listening to understand doesn’t slow communication; it clears the road ahead.
The last step: acknowledgement
When a conversation reaches its destination without crashes, detours, or stalled traffic, take a moment to acknowledge the journey and the people who helped pave the road. Show some appreciation for those who contributed along the way.
Acknowledgement isn’t just about gratitude toward others; it’s a powerful tool for your own growth. It forces a pause and invites reflection. It reminds us that clarity is rarely reached alone, and that progress is built on a collection of perspectives, not a single voice.
When we recognize the inputs that shaped the outcome, we sharpen our awareness, strengthen relationships, and create an environment where collaboration thrives.
TAMMY BAKER is the chief operations officer for Parker Technology. She can be reached at [email protected].
